How Depression Talks To Me

Let’s get this straight right at the beginning: I’m alright and definitely don’t intend to freak anyone out. I’ve been dealing with depressive episodes on and off throughout my life, so this isn’t news to me and as far as I can tell I’m not a threat to myself or anyone around me. I tend to deal with this issue all by myself for the most part and there are very few people who even know about this.

Just recently I opened up about this to two friends of mine and they took it rather well. Still, it’s so damn difficult to talk about depression because the stigma around it is so persistent to this day. Recently more and more people in the public eye have started talking about their mental health issues, and I applaud their bravery. At the same time it makes me worry that me talking about it too might seem attention-seeking or even worse: wanting to be pitied. This is not the case. At all. That is not the kind of attention I want.

What I’m wondering though is how many other people are fighting this silent battle, with no one in their lives noticing. I myself have been told time and again that I’m the “happiest person they know“ and that apparently I’m “always smiling“. I never had any idea who the hell they were talking about. It just goes to show that people are able to hide the most horrible things going on below the surface.

What I wish for is that people felt like they could talk about these things without shame. That conversations like the following (my depression talking to me and pulling me into a downward spiral of negative thoughts) don’t have to happen anymore or at least can be stopped by a real person giving perspective, or just being there.

Alright then. Ready to take a look into my mind when the bad thoughts are creeping in? Here we go. (This is usually followed by excessive crying until I pick myself up and move on with my life. It can take hours, it can take months.)

 

I’ve been lying around doing nothing for hours. I should get up and get something done.

Why?

What do you mean why? The dishes are piling up, I need to take a shower, there are some things I need to sort out for work tomorrow.

Who cares?

I care.

Do you really? I don’t see you getting up.

Well I don’t really want to do these things but I have to.

So you don’t really care. Just don’t do them. No one gives a crap what you do or don’t do anyway. In fact, no one gives a crap about YOU.

That’s not true.

Oh yeah? Can you prove me wrong?

There are people who care about me.

Oh yeah? Who are they? Where are they? Have they spoken to you today? Do they want to spend any time with you?

Well no but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

I think it does. No one actually cares about you. When you happen to be around, people tolerate your existence, that’s all. That’s not friendship though. You don’t have any friends.

I do have friends!!

REAL friends? When you break down crying at home for no apparent reason, who do you call?

No one.

That’s right! Because you don’t have anyone who cares enough about you to listen to your crap.

No! Because I don’t want to put my misery on anyone else.

Keep telling yourself that. The truth is that you have no one in your life who wouldn’t be annoyed about a call like that. Or irritated. Or back away from you in the future because you’re a nutcase.

I can’t expect anyone to deal with you. I myself can barely deal with you and the person you turn me into.

I don’t turn you into anything. You’re bringing this all on yourself. You’re useless.

That’s not fair. I know this is an illness. Many people are dealing with the same thing.

Nope, it’s you. You’re useless and no one cares about you. Your family doesn’t love you. You don’t have any real friends. You could fall off the face of the earth tomorrow and no one would notice.

Yes they would!!

You’d be replaced in a heartbeat. You mean nothing to no one.

But there are things I do at work that are useful. At least I need to keep doing that.

Nothing you’ve done in your life so far has any meaning. To anyone. You haven’t achieved anything. That’s why no one likes you and no one will ever love you.

Stop talking!

No one likes you, you have no real friends, nothing you do has any meaning.

Get out of my head!! I know you’re lying!!

I’m not lying. You know I’m right. No one likes you, you have no friends, nothing you do has any meaning.

Stop it!!!

NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.

That’s not true!!

NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.

That’s not true.

NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.
NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY MEANING.

I guess you’re right.

 

DSCF5301 Kopie 2-1

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2 thoughts on “How Depression Talks To Me

  1. I connect with this post on so many levels. The insecure and anxious person that i am, i am always second guessing all of my choices and words I say and at one point it just becomes too much so I just choose to sit in silence and do nothing. That is how depression works, I guess. It just sucks out all the vitality frokm within us and makes us a walking dead body-KoS

    Liked by 1 person

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